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The Hot Pie Act 2015

28 November 2015

Tuesday, 9 a.m.

I was looking at these pies in the pie cabinet at the filling station, the girl there was warming her hands on it, the cabinet I mean; that’s what drew my attention to them; the pies I mean not the hands. She’d been out tidying up round about and her hands were cold. Is there anything tastier looking than a hot pie in a pie cabinet? I wanted one. I’ve just let the guys off at the picking and I was filling up my tank.

I nearly said ‘GIVE ME A PIE.’ but I didn’t; coward. The women might have said, “hmm, he had a pie”, but what were they going to do about it, call the police? I came home and poured cold milk on some meusli. What have I become?

Wednesday 4 p.m.

Police- “Are you Ron Gillies”
Me- “Yes”
“Were you looking at pies yesterday?”
“Who told you, the girl with the cold hands?”
“I didn’t have one.”
“But you were looking at them.”
“You do know you’re not supposed to have a hot pie in the morning?”
“Well why are they in the pie cabinet at 9 a.m.?”
“That’s for night shift workers. Why were you looking at them?”
“Look the checkout lady was looking at the card machine and I didn’t want to look at her while she wasn’t looking at me so I looked away to the left.There’s newspapers over that way and I like to scan the various headlines so I can get a rounded, albeit potted, view of world affairs. The pies were on the way.”
“Why is she a lady while ‘cold hands’ was a girl, when they’re of similar age?”
“I don’t know I just like to mix it up a bit. I don’t know what to call them!”
Whoops TASER!

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